There's an inner narrative that goes, "If only I overcame all my inner struggles I would be a grand success."
Your anxiety, your fears, your lack of self-confidence etc. are billed as a problem in the way of "success." Many self-help books are sold on this premise.
This is all fuel to beat yourself up about where you are in life and pick up a story that you are somehow broken, defective. That you’re not as good as imaginary others who are inner-struggle and problem free, living some fabulous life with great or greater professional success than you.
But where are you really trying to get by “fixing” yourself?
What’s been uncovered to me through my coaching sessions with clients is one place many, and perhaps you, are trying to get is somewhere “successful” as a means to prove your worth, feel “good enough,” justify your existence through an “arrival.”
Or you’re trying to maintain the success you've reached thus far. Trying to fit yourself in the box you're currently faced with when it simply does not fit. You may think, “What's wrong with me? What am I doing wrong? Why does this job feel terrible to me? How can other people be ok with this?” And you feel terrified to walk away for fear your resignation will mean you’re not good enough (you may think or fear others will think you’re a failure, you don’t have what it takes, you’re damaged goods etc.)
If you’re like many of my clients, through looking deeper into yourself, you may find that the truth is you don’t genuinely want or truly care about landing or keeping the “successful” job, position or title per se. It actually holds little for you other than the story you tell yourself about what it means about you if you get and/or maintain it.
It’s really not about the success, you really just want to feel good enough.
But, let’s slow down and look at what's actually true.
Does your job or professional accomplishments or anything that happens in the work landscape truly have any bearing on your worth as a human being?
No. Your worth is that you exist. It’s not something that in reality can be earned. What would really make one person better than another?
Have all the accolades and gold stars you’ve collected thus far ever made you feel how you hoped they will (for more than a fleeting moment)?
I think you’ll likely answer No. In truth, the only thing that will make you feel good enough is owning that you already are, and not for anything you've done.
You are and have always been enough. You do not need to work on yourself so you can get “out there” and earn your worth. Nor do you need to try to find a way to change yourself to "be ok" with a job that's not in alignment so you can stay good enough and safe. This never actually works.
In witnessing and owning your inherent worth, there is nothing to prove, nowhere "successful" to get or maintain. And the door to your freedom is cracked open. You get the rest of your life back from it being dictated by whatever your pain of unworthiness says you need to be and do to be enough.
And there's more to unpack to open that door all the way.
Your mind has been running your life and making your decisions through not just the belief of "not good enough," but beliefs about what you should do, fears of disappointing others or abandonment, judgments of what will others think, thoughts that say you can’t have what you want and more.....there's a lot to work through (and up close many of these thoughts really just lead back to the core belief of “not good enough” - that your worth is predicated on an external circumstance).
These are the beliefs in the way of you getting to enjoy your life. In the way of you opening the aperture to see all the options available and beginning to make decisions that are in service of what you really want to experience here.
And yes, this is not easy to navigate. This is very challenging stuff to work through. But the first step is just seeing it all, being aware of all these thoughts. That's how you begin to sort out what's actually going to be fulfilling and enjoyable for you to do vs. making decisions from a limiting belief.
And again, the mind might now come in to beat you up for having these limiting beliefs in the first place. Yet again trying to pick up the "I need to fix myself" story. Perhaps thoughts like, “Why do I have such a struggle with not feeling enough and caring what others think? Ugh! This is ruining my life!” Or you may pick up a comparison story ironically rooted in more belief that you’re not ok as you are:“Why can’t I be like other people who don’t care what others think etc?”
But again, where are you trying to get by “fixing” yourself? Where is there to get by “getting rid” of these thoughts?
Enjoyment. You’re just trying to get to enjoyment. In fact, there isn’t anywhere else to get in life other than you getting to enjoy your existence. And you can find a little bit more of that enjoyment simply by right now, in this moment, accepting yourself just as you are. Your inner struggles are not a problem. You are not a project.
You don’t need to eradicate these limiting beliefs, thoughts and feelings to be able to make different choices for yourself. You just have to witness when they are coming up.
Although yes, you want inner change, to really feel good enough and not just mentally remind yourself over and over that you are, that will come in time through healing. But that’s a journey that only really starts when you meet yourself without an agenda - no thinking that you need to be different.
The thing is just like how trying to be successful (and through that be enough) is a slippery slope with no clear end in sight, so is trying to “fix” yourself and “be healed.” Even the “enlightened” experience pain and suffering. Their only secret is acceptance of it, deep acceptance of the human experience and what’s arising in this moment.
And ironically, deep acceptance often brings the healing and the changes you want to see inside, but again, those changes are just to serve you in simply enjoying your life and existence.
So you can take all the pressure off. By doing this inner work, it's all for you. It's simply a gentle unfolding of your true self and continuous up-leveling of enjoyment in life as you move more and more from your truth and what feels good to you and less from these limiting beliefs and mental narratives which would otherwise have you overriding it.
As a career coach one could think I am going to coach you to “reach your potential” in becoming a grand success, to help you in “fixing” yourself so you can get on your way to proving your worth.
No. I'm here to support your liberation from all that. For your freedom to live the life you actually want. For you to reach your potential for enjoyment.
And in doing so, in reaching for what you truly want to do for work, yes, this may build something the world will look at and deem a "success." Alignment and being in work that feels good often does lead one to excel as it’s pretty challenging to build thriving careers or companies when you’re miserable. So, in addition to covering your bills and making a decent income doing something you enjoy, those higher levels of monetary or other forms of success may be an outcome. And that’s great news.
But that’s neither here nor there. Keep your eye on the ball, the true goal, which is to spend your days doing something you want to be doing and enjoy.
Also watch how the mind, so conditioned to need “success,” may pick up the logic I laid down above and say, “Ok so if I stop needing to prove my worth and be ‘good enough’ through being successful and just be myself, then I’ll excel and that’s how I’ll get to success and proving my worth.” It thinks that by pseudo giving it up, that’s how you’ll get it. Sneaky. It’s circular logic that brings you right back to the same agenda of needing success. Some self-help books might reinforce this too with the whole “Be your authentic self and you’ll be successful!” messaging which leaves the core drive to be a success and why you picked up the book in the first place unexamined. Those books can be bait for your pain, not food for your liberation. And there’s no judgment here - remember, I’m only able to write about all of this because I’ve walked this path and fallen in all the potholes myself too.
But, the truth is that you being your authentic self doing what’s true and enjoyable for you to do is not a means to an end. It is the end. It’s all you’re ever really after.
So, my invitation is to ask yourself:
What’s left after a full letting go of needing to be “a success”?
What’s left after you drop all mental commentary that says you need to prove your worth or do/be/maintain anything to be enough?
What’s left after a full deep acceptance of yourself just as you are?
What’s left after you drop all the shoulds, the fears, the thoughts about what will people might think, the ideas about “becoming something” or even “making a difference, contribution or impact”?
What’s left is just what’s true for you, what feels good to you, what you want, what you desire to do. And in following this new awareness is where you’ll find fulfillment and your enjoyment of life.
