In the interview process I can remember thinking to myself, “I hope they don’t actually want me to be the person they think I am.” Not that I had lied to them at all, but I was starting to feel like I didn’t want to be that way anymore. I knew they were hiring me and the whole reason why they picked me from the pile of resumes was for my diligence and work ethic, for my ability to jump the hoops, and adorn my resume with fancy names. That took so much (fear motivated) effort and pushing and striving and unhappiness on my part. And in that interview process I started to have an inkling that maybe there was no carrot at the end of all this. Even if I get the job. It was just going to be more of the same forcing myself to compete and play the game and it wouldn't end. I’d never get to rest.
But, this is what all the years of effort were supposed to be for, right? I’m supposed to want this job and all my peers are marching right along into jobs like this just fine (from what I could see on the outside)…..so I didn’t listen to that little inner voice. I didn’t want to have to deal with what it would mean if I acknowledged how I was really feeling. In short, this did not work. Shocking, I know, but we all try denial first, right?
The rest of the story goes, I got the job and could immediately see that little voice was right. I no longer had it in me to force myself to play along, from sheer fatigue, but also because I had become wise to the game. Now, from the inside, my intuition had confirmation and my ability to see all the strings running the show (and me) increased. I pretended for a while as best I could, skipping anger and moving right along to bargaining - trying to change myself and wishing I didn’t know what I knew, couldn’t see what could - “if only I could just suck it up and be like everyone else” was a common refrain in my mind. Surprise, surprise this didn’t work either. No, I had to let it get so bad that the pain of leaving and figuring out “what now?” was no longer as bad as the pain of staying. And, oh boy, that pain of leaving, of facing the truth, that I no longer wanted to do and be what I had told myself for my whole life I needed to do and be was HUGE. And therefore, things had to get very, very bad before I was willing to give in.
But you know what helped and turned it all around for me? Talking to a coach. Seriously. Our minds are so powerful and changing how we think and see things can change our whole life. She helped me work through all the painful thoughts and fears and tears. She helped me shift my perspective on things, helped me uncover my own path, what I’m meant to do, and what brings me joy. Things are much better now and I’m so so happy I went through this experience because I’m a 1000% happier and fulfilled person, actually excited for each day. This experience was so transformative to me it’s why I do what I do with my clients everyday.
I'm sharing my story only because I know I'm not alone in having had some of these feelings. Does what I describe I went through sound like you? Maybe not everything, but some? Yes? I can help. Check out my coaching programs and let’s talk. Things are about to get a whole lot better:)
