Every week I get at least one email or text from a client saying "I did it!"
It might be...
I finally had a conversation with my boss to ask for something (a much-needed boundary, more time or resources, vacation days etc.)
I emailed someone to connect about a new opportunity or learn about a possible new career direction...(and then actually got on a call with them!)
I signed up for a course in something I'm interested in exploring AND am carving out the time for me to do it!
Or it might be the bigger ones of...
I gave my notice to leave my job! Eeek!
I decided to accept an offer for a position in a new career direction/role I've never done before! Ahh!
I know just how challenging, scary, exciting or new it is for them to do whatever it is they just did. And it definitely calls for a celebration.
Because that action doesn't come out of nowhere. Usually a client and I have spent a lot of time looking at all the fears that would stop them from doing what they feel they truly need or want to do. And all the fear that can even be in the way of identifying what that even is.
Perhaps just reading the above list of actions, and thinking about doing some of those things yourself, triggered feelings of fear in you.
Perhaps followed by some longing for change and shame that you're not taking action too...
feelings of despair...
thoughts/stories that you're never going to find your way, you're missing something, there's something wrong with you...
And maybe that working with me probably won't work...because, the mind says, you're not like other people, you're seemingly different, you've been searching for so long, trying to figure this out for so long, trying to find your way to some enjoyment and peace for so long...so what could this woman possibly know?
You're right. I don't know anything special. I don't have any magic here.
But I will invite you to sit with me and do perhaps what you've never done...step into awareness and look with compassion directly at all of this that's going on inside...call out all these painful thoughts about yourself.
Bring them into the light. They're a lot to carry around with you every day for years.
Once we call it all out - identify all the thoughts - we can do some inquiry, which is simply asking of each stressful or painful thought we have, “Is it true?” (see The Work of Byron Katie for a fantastic method of inquiry).
The mind will point to what it thinks is a mountain of evidence collected over the years that these thoughts are true. Maybe all those work situations where you really tried your best to "make it work." And on paper maybe it did work, but at the same time, deep down you still felt like a fish on land, completely out of place, or not ok with what everyone else seemingly was ok with...And maybe that's what you're experiencing now too.
The mind is making these experiences mean many things about you. But one needs to get still and quiet and really look closely for what's actually true.
It’s simply not true that you're missing something, there's something wrong with you, you’re different, you can’t or won’t find your way. And I know (like, I KNOW) it really, really feels true. So I’m in no way dismissing the pain and how you feel. But, I’m asking you simply to look at reality. As my teacher, Kiran Trace would say, look directly at your pain, not through its lens.
And then we can ask, what has given rise to the feeling? To the ongoing struggle? To this perception of yourself and not quite fitting into life? To feeling like a fish on land?
Well, perhaps many factors, but one may be that we have innocently learned to forsake ourselves. A tremendous amount of effort, over decades, has been dedicated to maintaining the illusion of safety in staying on script (whatever that means for you).
To try to do what you think you should, to strive to be who you think you need to be. Constant comparisons to others are being made, constant vigilance is required to meet internalized expectations for what you think you’re supposed to do and be.
As if you’re performing a role, performing your life, survival depends on learning what is wanted of this character and hitting the mark. And you're desperately trying to pretend it’s the real you while swallowing the deep knowing that it's not.
That will never work, never result in any fulfillment or peace. And on some level you know this too, but don't know what else to do.
Well, what if, to continue with the fish metaphor, you were to focus on finding your way to your water. A full meeting and honoring of you.
What if you tried a full acceptance of this human and what he/she finds interesting, playful, joyful about the world?
What if you tried exploring what you genuinely enjoy and simply standing in it?
What if you dropped the comparisons to others, the external and internal expectations for what you think your life or career should look like?
What if you put down the constructed and conditioned identity and rested in what’s left?
That’s where the deep exhale and what I think you're really searching for can be found.
It’s not true you don’t fit into life. You are life.
Give yourself permission to live it for you, in service of your enjoyment here.
Bit by bit we can come into awareness, practice some inquiry, and land in what’s true. What's true about you, and what's true about what you actually want.
And it’s from that place of clarity that your action will arise.
