When you are tired enough there will come a moment. You can’t keep doing what you’re doing. Something must change. You don’t yet know what this change will look like, but your fear of taking a step into the unknown has now been surpassed by the pain of remaining stuck in the current situation. There is now still lots of fear, but also a willingness to finally look deeper into yourself and find your way. There isn’t really any other option - this just isn’t sustainable any longer.
So, what’s next? How do you find your way to work, a career, a life you actually enjoy - one that fills your cup rather than depletes it?
It’s a process. One that I’ve walked myself and I walk others through in my career coaching practice. I thought it would be helpful to articulate some of the thoughts, feelings, and inner experiences that often come when one is on the path. In our society, we tend to keep our cards close and only let in those closest to us, so you may feel you’re the only one going through this. But that couldn’t be farther from the truth. It’s my hope that if you’re in this transition phase where you have found your No - what you don’t want to do - but not yet sure of a true, authentic Yes - may you take solace in finding resonance in my words and know it’s all ok, completely fine and part of the process. You’re in it and on your way.
Relief
When I finally admitted to myself I didn’t want to stay on the path I was on, while there were of course a million other emotions, I also remember a huge sense of relief. When you finally admit to yourself what’s true for you, there is relief that you no longer have to try to fit yourself into the situation, push yourself to figure it out and find a way to make it work. There is relief in acceptance of where you’re at and in resolving to now take steps to do something other than continue to abuse your soul. This feeling of relief - of a deep exhale - can be a helpful pointer to orient yourself as you move forward. Your Yes will feel like this - an honoring of you that feels right, despite the white noise.
Resistance
You’re very familiar with resistance. It’s what’s kept you in this job so long, long after you realized you don’t like it. Resistance sounds like “shoulds,” like comparisons and internalized judgments of others and what it will mean if you do something different, like arguments about “safe” paths and sunk costs. Even though you’ve reached a point where you’re willing to make changes, it’s still there. See resistance for what it is: fear-based commentaries from your mind that keep you paralyzed. They’re just thoughts; and they aren’t necessarily true. Most of the time they’re not, but either way these thoughts aren’t serving you, your freedom or happiness. Get curious about what they’re telling you and question if they actually have your best interest in mind.
Loss and grieving
No one is literally dying, but in a sense yes, something is - the identity you built for yourself around your current career. And the projected future you had for yourself on that path. You may ask yourself, “Was all that effort and pain to get where I am now for nothing?” You’re now going through a process of grieving that old self and giving birth to a new one. You aren’t actually becoming a new person though; instead, it’s a process of coming into who you truly are. You’re honoring who you have been all along and shedding a false self that propped up the life that is no longer serving you.
Fear
Fear is a common thread throughout the whole process. It won’t go away, but we can learn to identify it, and not let it control us. If you look closely, letting fear drive the bus is likely partly to blame for finding yourself in the current situation, in work and a life you don’t like. The big fear is for the future - you don’t know what the future will hold. We want to know and it’s very uncomfortable to be in this limbo space. We want to know what we want and what we’re going to do next, and that we will be successful at it. And then we will feel safe. I assure you that right now, the safest thing you can do is not listen to fear (if you really are in true immediate danger you'll know). Listen to you, to what your heart is telling you is true for you, to your authentic desires. You may have the thought, “How will I survive if I am true to myself?” But, it’s actually the only way. Denying your self, your needs, your desires is where the danger is.
Loneliness
You may feel you're the only one going through this. Others may seem to be marching on with their happy lives and you feel yours is falling apart. You may feel misunderstood by your peers or family. Remember that the work of finding your authentic self is a journey everyone must go through, eventually, or suffer the consequences. Now or later each of us finds ourselves at a breaking point from which a willingness to embark on the journey emerges. You are not alone, everyone is going to walk this path at some point. Your time just happens to be now, while others around you may have a later start.
Here are some pointers to find your way:
Get clear on your definition of success
Part of our pain can be around wanting to be “successful.” We thought the current path would lead to success and whether it has or not, we now find ourselves needing to walk away. This is interesting and points to the need for a little introspection and more conscious choices. What is it that you really want for yourself? What truly matters to you to have a life fully lived? What is success on your terms?
Follow what feels good
Get out of your mind and it’s chatter and into your body. Have an idea for a possible new career direction? Try it on in your body. Visualize yourself in this new life and pay attention to how your physical body feels. This is your intuition speaking and it tells the truth. If there is a feeling of ease, excitement, joy etc. you’re likely on the right path.
Aim for intrinsic enjoyment
Whatever you do next, there needs to be some genuine intrinsic enjoyment in the work. Otherwise, it’s just not sustainable and we have to ask ourselves why on earth we’re doing it. We are often convinced by our mind to do things because we think we’re going to get something - status, lots of money, adoration, approval - and we think that something will make us happy. But it rarely does. So, go directly to what does, what lights you up, what you are excited to get up and do every day for the sake of it, because you want to.
Get still and get rest
Stillness is where you access clarity. Give yourself space and time to be with you, to listen to all that he/she has to say that for years now has been pushed aside. It’s also likely that he/she is tired; deeply exhausted from holding everything together for so long, and exhausted from trying so hard to figure everything out. First trying to figure out how to contort yourself to make your current situation work, and now what on earth is going to happen next. Stop trying so hard. Give yourself permission to rest and clarity will come through. Creativity, access to your truth, new ideas and inspiration cannot come from a weary soul.
