You Don't Need 'Thick Skin'; Try This Instead

When taking in feedback, criticism or simply having a challenging conversation we’ve often been told to “have thick skin.” I suppose this means to develop a tough exterior or put up some kind of protective bubble so that the things that happen don’t impact us so much. There’s one problem with this; we’re human. We have feelings, we care about things deeply, and in tough conversations there’s usually a lot of thoughts and emotions going on inside of us. To “have thick skin” can often be taken as a directive to try and ignore or suppress all of that. But, how do you find that works? In my experience, it’s both very hard to do and ineffective at allowing for a constructive conversation - lots of reactivity.

What we really need are some pointers on effective communication, some tools to take with you into those conversations. Instead of repression and reactivity, we need allowance and awareness of your inner world , and right there while it’s all going on and you're having the conversation.

Be aware of and give your emotions space

There’s a famous quote by Carl Jung, “What you resist persists.” When you’re in a conversation and can feel emotions rise up within you, our conditioned response is often to try and suppress them. Our chest tightens, we stop fully breathing and we resist. We want the emotions to go away. But, when we do this the emotion usually persists or even gets bigger and more difficult to manage. Instead, when emotions arise, become aware of them by in your head identifying and naming what you are experiencing (anger, shame, frustration etc.). Then, instead of suppressing and tightening, try leaning into the experience - relax your chest and take a deep breath, giving the emotion the space to move through you. This doesn’t mean we express the emotions, but internally acknowledge them, give them permission to be there, give them space and breathe. When we do this I think you will find the intensity lessens. You may still have these emotions come up again after the conversation is over, but by doing this in the middle of it all - while talking to someone - it gives you the ability to respond to things how you would like instead of your emotions taking control.

Stay “above the line.” Am I open, curious and committed to learning?

In The 15 Commitments of Conscious Leadership by Dethmer, Chapman and Klemp a binary model is presented as “the most important model to know for conscious leadership.” It is a solid line. You can either operate from above or below the line. To be above the line you are operating as open, curious and committed to learning; this is conscious leadership. To be below the line you are operating as closed, defensive and committed to being right.

Whether you’re in a leadership position or not, this model stands to help you identify whether you are approaching conversations from a place that allows effective communication. Become aware, right while you’re in a conversation, of whether you are above or below the line. Check your ego and be honest with yourself. Dethmer et al. say that awareness is key; it’s dangerous to be below the line and think you’re above it and unfortunately, “this kind of leadership blindness is rampant in the corporate world.” By staying above the line we can really hear and take in what someone is saying and respond with genuine desire to understand and come to a consensus on how to move forward.

Stay professional and take responsibility for your side of the street

While you may be aware of whether you’re operating from above or below the line and doing everything in your power to engage in effective and constructive communication, this doesn’t mean everyone else is. Whoever you’re speaking to - even your boss - may be below the line, inappropriate, unprofessional etc. That doesn’t mean you should go there too. Take the high road. Let them do what they do in the conversation while you take responsibility for you and what you say. Your job is to have awareness of what’s going on inside of you and how you’re being in the interaction. It may be challenging to bite your tongue or not get drawn in, but you won’t regret it later and it puts you in a much better position for the future with this person.

Don’t take it personally

I get it - if your work or skills are being criticized it seems pretty personal. But what “don’t take it personally” means is to not take the criticism and make it mean more than it does. Don’t make it mean something about your worth, your future ability to succeed, or that there is something wrong with you, that you are bad etc. It’s a comment on your skill level at doing a particular task at this point in time - just leave it at that. Don’t make your work equate your worth. Keep this at the front of your mind when you’re receiving feedback. Become aware of any automatic thoughts you have running through your mind that are giving the feedback more meaning than it deserves and remind yourself they’re evaluating how you do something, not you. And if you stay “above the line” you will be able to stay open to a conversation on how to learn and improve, rather than retreating into hurt and defensiveness.

Being human and engaging in challenging conversations isn’t easy, but if you apply these tools things will go a lot smoother - much better than just trying to tough it out and have "thick skin."

Feel Like Things Aren't Working Out? Don't Blame Yourself And Remember These 3 Things

With all the information and advice out there it’s easy to think success is a matter of finding the right information and just following through on execution; that success is all in our control. So when we don’t see things falling into place in our life - don’t feel we’re meeting our expectations for success - we can blame ourselves; we can think it must be our fault.

We can think we’ve missed something and spend our time looking for the right bit of information or strategy that we think will make all the difference. Enter anxiety. Or we can have a subtle just under the surface feeling that perhaps there’s something wrong with us; we’re the problem and maybe not capable of success. Enter shame.

The thing is, we’re forgetting that there are other factors besides having good information or the right 10 step strategy that go into creating success and successful people. And these things aren’t always under our control. But that’s ok. We can learn to work with them or appreciate the role they play in our journey.

Luck is involved

Although we may forget, it’s no secret that luck has played into the careers of many successful people. Yes, they have put in the work to be good at what they do, but also happened to be in the right place at the right time. For you at your job it might seem like a colleague is a superstar and has been promoted quickly. Perhaps it’s deserving from his/her talents, but in addition, perhaps also he/she was lucky enough to be hired at the right time by a manager who has taken them under his/her wing. That’s luck. Or that fully funded startup you keep comparing your own startup to just happened to meet someone in a powerful position who feels personally passionate about the venture and provided a leg up. That’s luck. And these things just aren’t in our control.

To take a different perspective we can also look at luck as things falling into place in a particular way to guide each person to where they belong. Maybe not getting what you want so badly right now - what you can’t seem to get no matter how much you do all the “right” things - is actually going to be to your benefit. What looks like misfortune now just might be a blessing. Maybe you’re meant to find your way to another firm where you’re able to excel and discover projects you love even more. Or your startup is meant to pivot and will end up being even more impactful than your original concept. Life works if you trust it to guide you to where you need to be. You can look back on your own life so far and see where this has been true for you in the past. And it’s also happening now.

Fit for who you are matters

There is a lot of talk about how anybody can do anything they put their mind to and work hard at. Perhaps this is true, but if what you’re working at isn’t a good fit for you and who you are (your personality, likes and dislikes, skills, talents etc.) it’s going to be a lot harder to be successful at it. Many successful people are successful in part because they’re in the right field for who they are and fostering what comes naturally to them. It’s more than just having the right information and applying it; it’s also having the right fit.

If you find yourself not succeeding the way you’d like in what you’re doing now, instead of thinking there must be something wrong with you and that you’re not capable of success, see how you might be meant to excel at something different. Reflect on your talents, interests and what comes naturally. There are things that are going to feel good and be in alignment with who you are. When we pursue careers doing things that are a good fit, success comes much easier. And we have a much more enjoyable time on the journey (which is arguably more important than the destination anyway). Who you are is not under your control. But what is in your control is doing work that is a good match for you. It’s not a lack of information or ability, but working against ourselves and our true nature that can pose a challenge. Honor who you are and you will uncover the successful person you were put on this earth to be.

It takes time

All the information and advice can have us think that as soon as we apply it we will have overnight success (or at least have it happen relatively quickly). This often isn’t realistic. I know you likely already know this, but we can all still be very impatient! So before you jump to the conclusion that things aren't and won't ever work out let this be a reminder that it takes time to build things - a company or your experience and career (even when you’re doing things that are a good fit for you). And just how long it takes is not usually under our control. Many successful people took a very long time to build what they have. And just like you, they had to feel their way through each step not really knowing what was going to happen in the future. If you can try to relax and just enjoy what you’re doing right now instead of being focused on how you’re not yet where you want to go you’ll feel a lot better. And the chances are you won’t burn out or give up before you reach your goal.

I also think it’s interesting to think about this: If you woke up tomorrow and actually were an overnight success - had everything you’re wanting for your business/career - would you be ready for it? Inside do you feel worthy of it, prepared for the responsibility, attention, leadership, what it would take to keep it up etc.? Often our honest answer is actually ‘No.’ There’s a ripening inside that’s taking place as we work towards what we want. When we see things this way we can trust and appreciate more the time that it's taking for things to unfold. You will get there and when it happens you’ll be ready for it.

Tired Of Trying To 'Figure Out' What You Really Want To Do? Try This Instead

Let’s say you're in a job or career you don’t like and you know you need to make a change. But there’s one problem: you don’t know what you want to do next. You know you'd like to do something you enjoy, but you feel like you don’t have a clue what kind of work that would be for you.

So, how do you figure out what kind of job/work you want to pursue? How do you figure out what would bring you true enjoyment in what you do every day? Well, in my opinion, it’s not so much of a process of “figuring it out” as a process of getting in touch with and truly listening to ourselves (perhaps for the first time). To “figure something out” tends to imply a mental or logic-based approach. And perhaps this is why so many of us end up in jobs we dislike. We were leaning too much on our mind’s logical arguments and “shoulds.” To find what work lights us up we need a different approach; one where who we are, what we like and don’t like, what we truly desire is front and center and comes before opinions of the mind.

I was right where you might be now. I felt pretty lost and like I didn’t have a clue what I wanted. We are all different and so I understand this may not resonate with everyone, but what helped me most to find my way was to get out of my head and more in touch with myself. It opened the door to uncovering what brings me joy.

One of the many things that could help you to connect with yourself, find what excites you and get clarity on what you want is to take a look at your thinking; specifically, all the “shoulds” you might be telling yourself.

Following all the “shoulds” can make us lose touch with ourselves 

From birth, through society or family, we’re often taught to be a certain way and to strive for certain things. As a result, in my own life, in an effort to obediently follow the script, I had shoved away most of my own desires. When we do this for years on end — shove aside what we actually want in an effort to do what we think we “should” — over time we can lose touch with our true inner desires. They stop speaking up. This is how we come to say we don’t know what we want. If we were in touch with ourselves we would know.

For me, my wants and desires had been bulldozed by “shoulds” for years. I was disconnected from myself and lost touch with what I truly wanted. I did know enough that it wasn’t what I was doing, but again, I tried to push that aside. Following along with what I thought I “should” do seemed like the “right” and “safe” thing to do. So I tried to play along and pretend I could keep doing what I was doing. But then I learned the hard way it’s actually pretty risky to play pretend. When I wasn’t being my true self and honoring who I actually am I was building my life as a house of cards. And as we all know, they collapse eventually, one way or the other. My implosion came when I reached a miserable low, but so scared and attached to the “shoulds” that I developed a chronic illness to force me to change my ways (you can read more on that and a very honest story of how I found my way to becoming a career coach here). In the big picture, I’m grateful it happened, but now I’m here to help you not have to go through that (or help you through it if it does).

Identify all your “shoulds”

To help you get in touch with yourself and what you really want, take a look at those “shoulds” that run through your mind. What are the thoughts that roll around in your head when you think about work and the next steps in your career? What are all the things you tell yourself you “should” do, achieve, be?  In addition to "I should," they can also begin as “I need to,” or “I have to,” or “I can’t.” Or sometimes even masquerade as “I want” when we're thinking we want something, but deep down it's only because we feel we "should." Personally, I have convinced myself I wanted a job because it was a "good job" and since it looked good on paper and I thought I "should" want it. So, "shoulds" can be sneaky.

Drop all the “shoulds” that aren’t in alignment with and serving your happiness

We fill our minds every day with “shoulds” from the external world; voices expressing others’ ideas, opinions, expectations. Some of them we might genuinely agree with. For example, “I should be treated with respect” is perhaps one we can all get behind. But other “shoulds” don’t feel so good when we say them to ourselves. We can feel what "shoulds" we don’t agree with it. They don’t align with who we are or what we want (even if what we want is fuzzy — we know it’s not that).

If we can identify what those “shoulds” are for each of us and then let go of them, we can create the space for our true desires to come to the surface. Holding on to them only serves to make us doubt ourselves and silence that inner voice that knows what's right for you. When we drop the “shoulds” that inner voice that has been quieted for so long can come through. It’s going to let you in on or guide you to discover what you enjoy and want for yourself. This may take some time or it could be that you realize you already know what you want, but have been putting all your "shoulds" in the way.

Your mind will resist

I know it can feel scary to just drop the “shoulds.” You’ve likely been carrying some around for a long time and it can feel uncomfortable to let them go when you’ve been using them to navigate your life. Your mind is going to want to resist and argue why you need to keep them - after all they brought you this “far.” But, what our mind is telling us - both the “should” and/or what will happen if you let it go - is usually not based in facts, contains a lot of conjecture or is a projection into the future which we just can’t know. So take a closer look. And from deep inside see if you can feel what’s really true for you.

Also, to throw your mind a bone, remember that many of the most (conventionally) successful people took steps in their career that did not appear “logical.”  They dropped the “shoulds” and blazed their own paths. If you read the biographies or even the Wikipedia pages of some of the people you admire you might see this. And just like you may experience if you drop the “shoulds” and follow what’s in your heart to do, they had others questioning their decisions. So, if you meet others resistance remember this too. You’ll be in good company.

Translating what you enjoy into work

When you drop the “shoulds” for some it might become clearly apparent very quickly what they want to do and it will line up nicely with a job or form of work they’re aware of. For others, it might take a bit of time to explore what’s coming to the surface as things they enjoy and how that translates into potential work. In this case, we can brainstorm, research, ask around etc. to learn of occupations that might include these things. Or if you’re inclined you can always create your own thing. We live in a time of endless possibilities for what you can create for yourself.

Your life is for you to enjoy

Your life is for you to enjoy. I feel like we are so “should”-ed on as a society this seems radical to say. But I believe it’s the truth. I believe you have the right to live your life any way that pleases you and everything you do ought to be in service to your happiness and what you want. If not, we have to look closer and ask ourselves why we’re doing it.

When we think of things this way there’s nothing to “figure out” really. There’s only listening to ourselves and following what brings us joy and makes us feel good. By dropping all the shoulds that don’t feel in alignment we free ourselves from the boxes and limitations we’ve (often subconsciously) placed on ourselves that limit our access to happiness. I’m not saying to be reckless or to throw all caution to the wind, but rather to see past the “shoulds” to uncover what your heart and soul are really calling for.

How To Answer 'So, What Are You Doing Now?' After You've Changed Careers

So, let’s say you’ve just been through a significant career transition and you find yourself speaking to people you haven’t seen in awhile, perhaps at a party with friends/family/acquaintances or you bump into old colleagues. In conversation, someone asks you “So, what are you doing now?”

Some may feel totally fine to answer this question, no problem. For others though, it can feel extremely uncomfortable, be anxiety provoking and bring up a lot of emotions. Even for someone just contemplating a career change the thought of having to answer this question in the future can create anxiety.

Why is this question so stressful? It could be for any number of reasons. Perhaps you’re worried about what others are thinking and whether they’ll judge you for your decision to make a change and/or what you have chosen to pursue now (especially if the new option isn’t as “prestigious” as your former job in the eyes of your peers). You may feel like you have to explain your life choices to others. Or maybe you’re just finding your sea-legs in this new career and not even really sure for yourself what you’re doing!

So, how can you approach answering this question? How can you feel calmer about it so you’re not dreading someone asking you, “So, what are you doing now?”

Here are seven points to keep in mind, help you shift your perspective and feel less stressed:

1. You don’t actually know for sure what anyone is thinking.

You may feel pretty strongly that you know what others are thinking and have in your mind that they’re judging you and your career change in some negative light, but unless they explicitly tell you, you can never really know for sure. So, until you do know for sure, put your conjectures aside. What others are thinking is their business, not yours.

If you do find out that they do really think what you fear they’re thinking, well, those people are not your people. They’re not who you want to be around anyway. You can cultivate new people who will support your endeavors.

2. Others likely don’t care as much as you think.

Not only do we usually not really know for sure what someone is thinking about us, they’re also often not thinking about us at all. How much time do you spend thinking about other people and judging their choices? Likely (hopefully!) not a lot. Most of us are quite busy and stay pretty focused on our own life. So we can actually take comfort in the fact that others probably don’t care that much about what we’re doing. Stay focused on you, just as they are focused on themselves.

3. You don’t owe them an explanation.

The decision to change careers can be one filled with a lot of emotions and it’s a personal journey you’ve been on. To share that story with others can be scary and make you feel vulnerable. But keep in mind that you don’t owe your full story or any explanation of why you decided to make a change to anyone. It’s your personal story to tell and you can decide with who and when to share it. If someone asks why you made your career change, feel free to offer a simplified version of the truth such as, “I’ve always wanted to try [your new thing]” or “I just couldn’t see myself in [your past career] long-term” etc.

4. Be proud of yourself. You’re doing something amazing.

Look at you — Making a career change can take guts. People often stay in jobs or careers they hate because they’re too scared to make a change. You’ve done it! Even what you’re doing right now, having conversations and answering the question: “So, what are you doing now?”  The fear of judgment or having to explain themselves can scare some people so much it can deter them from change.

So, remember this and stand tall in the fact that you have done (or are in the middle of doing) something so many people just never have the courage to do. Also, know that some of the people you’re speaking to may admire you or even may secretly be jealous of your courage to go after a new career and what you want.

5. Be honest with where you’re at. No one expects you to have this all figured out and they can’t help you if you don’t let them in.

In an attempt to ward off judgment, we may be tempted to try to put on an air that we have this new career all figured out and are doing better or are more successful in it than we really are. But, keep in mind two things. First, no one expects you to have this all figured out when it’s something new (if anything they may even suspect you’re not telling the truth). Second, when we pretend that we’ve got it all together we’re closing the door for others to help us. You don’t have to share everything, but letting people know that you’re just starting out or in the process of learning how to do this new thing etc. gives the people you’re speaking to an opportunity to directly help or connect you with someone who could be a good client referral, mentor, industry contact etc. People generally want to help others, but they can’t help you if you’re not honest about where you’re at and presenting like you have it all together.

6. You just might have an awesome conversation. 

Whether they offer to help you out or not, when they ask you what you’re up to now, they’re likely just curious or genuinely interested in what you’re doing now. If you get out of your mind and the fear of what they might be thinking, you could be pleasantly surprised and enjoy yourself connecting with this person about your career interests. Every time someone asks, “So, what are you doing now?” there’s the potential to get into a really interesting and fun conversation.

7. It’s just a question.

Remember, at the end of the day, all they’re doing is asking you a simple question. Asking what someone does for work is a pretty standard question. I know you may feel like it carries a lot of weight, but you don’t have to let your mind make it into a bigger deal than it is. You can keep it simple and just answer the question.

Finally Leave That 'Good Job' And Do What You Really Want: Four Things To Ignite Your Courage

Many of us have been taught to go to school, work hard, get good grades and get a "good job.” Usually, at the time, we don't even really know what that means, but are told that certain ones are "good." So, we put on our hustle and do everything we can to get one of those.

Then, I think the fairytale says you are supposed to be super successful and live happily ever after. But, for many people I speak to, myself included in the past, things don't go that way. Instead, you get into the "good job" and realize, yikes - you hate it.

Now what?

Well, now you can either stay in a job that makes you miserable or do the work of finally figuring out and following what you want to do - not what society, family, friends, peers, professors etc. tell you to do - what you want to do.

This is obviously easier said than done. It takes tremendous courage to step off of the path laid ahead of you, the path that feels safe and familiar, the path others have told you and you've told yourself your whole life you should be on.

But, it's also not as hard as it seems. Here are four things to know to get you started. They’re meant to encourage, provide a different perspective and help you find the courage to finally find and go after what makes you happy!

1. Only you know what's best for you

We often look to and listen to others for career guidance. Following advice you received in the past may be how you found yourself in this “good job.” Well, here’s the thing; all our professors, guidance counselors, bosses, mentors, co-workers, family members, friends etc. are just trying to help and may have some gems of wisdom, but they can’t really know what’s best for you. If they were instrumental in guiding you down the path you’re on now my case is in point. So now, as you plan your next move, keep in mind that what they may be telling you to do is not the only way and it may not be right for you. Only you can really know what’s best for you. Focus on finding what feels best for you and then trust yourself.

2. Accept who you are as a unique individual. This job is just not a good fit for you and that’s ok.

When we are about to step off the path we’re on, especially when we’ve been taught it’s a "good" one to be on, we can get down on ourselves. We can wish we were like “everyone else” at work who seems to be ok with the job (or not nearly as miserable). We make our inability to stay in the job mean something bad about us; there can be feelings of shame, anger at ourselves for not being different and able to "make it work" etc.

When we’re in these situations we need to find acceptance of who we are. You’re not them and that’s ok. Everyone is different and this job is just not a good fit for you. You’ll find one that is.

Also, remember that you really don't know what others are going through. More than once after I've quit a "good job,” my ex-colleagues would then confide in me that they're struggling with job unhappiness too. So, it’s often not just you.

3. You have a ton of options for work. Open your mind!

The world today has so many options for work! If you don’t feel that this article by poet and author Janne Robinson will surely inspire you. She writes,

There are kids pranking their moms on their Youtube channels getting paid...We live in a cool time–are you aware of what we can do, what you can do?... Speak your truth, be your truth, live your truth—and go make some money off your truth while you’re at it.

I’m not necessarily saying you should become a YouTuber, but rather encouraging you to see all the options for work actually available to you. We tend to get into some pretty narrow thinking. To get the creative juices flowing, similar to what Janne also asks in her article, I like to ask my coaching clients, “If you woke up tomorrow with unlimited cash, time and resources what would you do?” That’s your passion. And there's likely a way you can make money from it.

4. It’s never really “starting over”

Maybe in your new job/career, you might not directly use your degree or any of your professional work experience to date but it’s never really starting over. You’ve still learned a ton and have experience and skills you’ll take into your next thing. Personally, I’ve started three businesses and each in wildly different industries, but each time I start a new venture I’m leaning on a lot on skills and know-how I learned from the past ones. And even if you’re not an entrepreneur, many employers will value what you’ve done, your intellect and the different perspective you bring to the table.

Also, it may help to reflect for a moment on the language and idea of “starting over.” It implies we’re trying to get somewhere. So does this idea we have of “getting ahead.” But, ask yourself, “Where am I trying to get?”

One possible answer is that we’re trying to get to a life where we’re happy and enjoy how we spend our days. Making a change and finding work that’s a better fit will likely give us a much better chance at this. So, if you must call it “starting over,” it’s with a much more effective strategy of getting what you want; happiness.

Wrapping our mind around leaving a “good job” can be tricky. We’ve often worked very hard to get ourselves to this point so it can be hard to disentangle ourselves and find a new path. But, if you remind yourself of these things, it can make finding the courage to make a change a lot easier.

Ghosts Of Jobs Past: What To Do When A Toxic Workplace Follows You Around In Your Mind

Once you finally get out of a toxic workplace, the negative experience you had in that job can linger. There’s a psychological and emotional aftermath. And it can interfere with your enjoyment of and success in your new job.

To illustrate with an example, imagine a woman who gets very stressed every time she has to speak on a team conference call with the boss. Even though her co-workers and boss are very nice, respectful and professional, she has a lot of fear. While for some this could be coming from a fear of public speaking, for her this isn’t the case - she’s an extrovert and generally outgoing. Instead, her fear is coming from her experience at her last job where the employees were often managed by fear and conference calls were an opportunity to be publicly embarrassed, ridiculed, and disrespected.

She’s since left that job and found a place where that isn’t the case and conference calls are nothing to be afraid of, but her brain and physiology are still responding like they are - hence the continued fear she experiences when she sees a conference call scheduled on her calendar.

Learned Responses

What’s likely happening here is that when we have a negative experience, we learn from it. Our brain takes in all the information about that situation and primes us to the environmental cues so we can possibly prevent it from happening again. We develop a learned response - thoughts, feelings (most often fear) and behavior - in response to the stimuli we perceive as a threat. It’s part of our human survival system.

Unfortunately, when we’ve been through a rough time in a toxic work environment we may have developed a lot of learned responses that come up for us in common work situations.

So, even when we’ve moved on into a new job where the situation is different, we can bring our learned responses from the past with us. They can interfere with how we are in our new role. And they could even get in the way of our performance if they're preventing us from being our best self.

So, besides saging your office to try to release this energy, what can you do you let go of this old stuff? How can we approach these learned responses and retrain our mind and body to be in and respond to the present?

Here are some things those I coach (and myself) have applied and found helpful.

1. Identify when it’s happening

This may seem obvious, but our learned responses are often automatic and unconscious to us. We may not be noticing when we’re responding to a situation as if we’re in the past. So step one is to identify and develop awareness of the situations where this is happening. Observe when you’re stressed or having strong emotions and reflect on whether this could have to do with stuff that happened in your past job. Also watch for where you may also be avoiding things (ex. trying to avoid conference calls).

It’s also common that when we experience a toxic workplace our spirit can become crushed, we can feel very small and powerless and we can lose the faith in ourselves and abilities that we once had. These too are things we have learned to think and feel due to past events. If this is the case for you, identify when you’re thinking negative thoughts about yourself and undermining or undervaluing what you can do and what you have to offer.

2. Focus on the current facts

Once we have awareness of what’s going on for us inside we have a choice in how we will handle the situation at hand.

Based on our past experiences our mind is trying to tell us a story about the current situation we’re in and what is going to happen, but we can take a good look and ask ourselves, “Is it true?” This question, “Is it true?” is the foundation of The Work of Byron Katie. She illuminates that many of the thoughts we have that cause us pain and stress simply aren’t true. And once we can see that a thought isn’t true a situation that just a few minutes ago was clouded by emotion can be re-approached with greater clarity.

So, focus on and ground yourself in the current facts of the situation. Ask yourself, “Is what my mind is telling me true?” and, “What is actually happening right now?” Remind yourself of what is real in this situation you’re in right now.

And if you’re experiencing negative thoughts about yourself or your abilities, remind yourself of the truth; that you are fully capable, that the environment in the past was not conducive to your best work, that those past events no matter how unpleasant or terrible do not mean anything about your intellect, skills, talents and ability to excel today. That’s the truth.

First through awareness, and then focusing on the current facts and what you know to be the truth, you can respond to the situation from more clarity.

3. Accept how you feel and have compassion for yourself

Once you do the above, you may logically assume that your stress or feelings will immediately disappear (ex. that the conference call induced fear will go away once you remind yourself your new boss is very nice and you’re no longer in your past job). But unfortunately, in my experience and that of the people I coach, this isn't always the case. It may take some time to teach your brain you’re in a new job and new environment now.

So, what can we do with our feelings?

As psychotherapist Megan Bruneau, a Women@Forbes contributor, says, “You don’t have to ‘deal’ with it, you just have to ‘be’ with it - at first, anyway. Some things we have to ‘feel to heal,’ and attempts to get rid of, numb, suppress or fix our feelings may just create an additional layer of suffering.” Instead, Bruneau suggests we notice the fear, anger, hurt, resentment, shame, sadness, and so on and validate said feelings by saying what we might say to a friend.

So when we’re at work and these feelings start coming up we can try to just notice them there and let them be felt. We can breathe into the feeling and instead of resisting or doing anything to push it away, let it be there. Notice your tendencies to want to push it away and let them be there too. Remember that emotions are impermanent and just ride the wave.

Offer yourself patience and loving with yourself. Know that your learned responses are a normal way humans adapt to situations and may just need some time to change.

To summarize, we want to pay attention to our thoughts and feelings to gain awareness of when we may be having a learned response to stimuli that we picked up in our past job. Then, focus on the facts - what’s actually happening right now and what is the truth of the current situation. Make choices and behave based on the facts. Then, let our thoughts and feelings just be. They'll shift on their own time.

Two Critical Interview Tips To Find A Job You Love (And What You Might Be Missing)

Once you’ve done all the other usual prep like knowing your resume well, understanding the organization you’re interviewing with and the role you’re interviewing for, here are a two critical things to keep in mind if your goal is to find a job that’s a good fit for you, aligned with what you want and where you’ll have a good chance being happy.

You might have heard these points before, but maybe not like this. These additional angles are often missed.

1. Just be yourself.

Good advice. But, it’s often said in an effort to calm someone’s nerves before an interview and the reasoning implied is, “Oh, you’re just so fabulous they’ll fall in love with you and you’ll get the job if you just be yourself.” While that may happen, there’s another, more important reason to just be yourself; it’s a key part of a solid strategy to make sure you don’t end up in a job that’s not aligned with who you are.

When we think have a pretty good idea of what the employer/interviewer is looking for, it can be extremely tempting to turn into a chameleon and be whoever we think they want us to be, saying whatever we think they want to hear. But it’s not a good idea. Because you may get the job, but now you’ve created a situation where they think you’re someone else. And you’ll either have to keep up the facade, pretending to be someone you’re not - a recipe for misery - or you’ll have to face the tricky situation of showing up as the real you and possibly disappointing or upsetting your employer because that’s not who you said you were in the interview. So, in the short run you’ll get the job, but in the long run there’s a high chance things won’t work out.

If you want to avoid all that just be yourself! And remember - they might just like who you are! Those ideas you have of who you “should” be could be just that - ideas. You really don’t know for sure what they will like because you’re not a mind-reader. But either way, whether they like you and you get the job or you don’t, just being yourself gives you the best chance at finding a job that’s the right fit for you.

2. You’re interviewing them too.

This is also some pretty common interview advice. I’ve heard some take this to mean, “Come up with some questions about their business you can ask at the end of the interview to sound smart.” But that’s not what I’m talking about. I mean use the interview process to observe and ask as much as you need about the employer.

Observe both what is said and the subtext of the conversation and how you feel in the work environment. Use all your intuitive abilities to get the vibe of the place and people. Ask questions that will help you paint a better picture for you to evaluate if this is what you’re looking for. If anything doesn’t seem like a good fit for you, take note. You may have heard this before too. But here’s the real key and possibly tricky part that people often don't follow through on - trust yourself and don’t ignore any of those intuitive hits. Get honest and ask yourself, “Is this really a place where I can see myself enjoying working? Does this company and role feel good to me?”

This may seem obvious, but if I wish I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard someone say they knew going into the job, what they’re unhappy about now that they're in the job. It’s similar to shoving your concerns aside and hoping your partner will change after you get married. Best to take a good look at those red flags now.

While our mind can try to make it complicated (and I get it, it could be a job that looks really good on paper), what you like and what feels good to you is actually simple and pretty straightforward. Academy Award winner Viola Davis says, “You can’t be hesitant about who you are.” That sums it up pretty well.

Ultimately if we want to find work that we enjoy we have to be willing to go into the job search as ourselves and be selective - finding work environments and situations where we feel good and can thrive.

Five Keys To Creating Success On Your Own Terms

I was sitting in an interview when I began to think that maybe I didn’t want to be the way you’d think the person outlined on my resume would be. That person would put in long hours and do whatever needed to be done to please, perform and get results. But being that way was exhausting. It was fueled by an energy of constant pushing and striving for the next achievement.

I had been putting in tremendous effort thinking that at some vague point in the future, there would be a reward or payoff from all this achieving - at some point I’d get to rest and be happy. But sitting in that interview, I was starting to realize that perhaps my thinking was wrong. Perhaps in this next role, and the ones after that, I would just continue to push and strive for the next thing and continue to labor myself to exhaustion. I was cluing in that there really would be no end to this moving target of achievement. And I honestly wasn’t really sure where or what I was striving to get through all the achievements in the first place, besides the chance to at some point stop.

So, after this and a few other “aha moments,”  I decided to just stop. I removed myself from the interviews and my whole job search. I took a sabbatical from work and decided I wouldn’t return to any job until I found another way of being in the world. One where my desires, needs, health, relationships and happiness would matter more than or be aligned with my achievements. And where my work, whatever it would end up being, would support rather than diminish the quality of my life. Chasing the forever moving target of achievement was costing me too much. At the time I had no idea how to get there, to this new life, but I had a strong willingness to see if I could.

What I’ve learned in my journey is what has led me to my work now -  career coaching. I now help others unravel the ways of being that aren’t serving their happiness and navigate their way towards a life that’s aligned with what they want and a whole lot more enjoyable.

Here are 5 key things I learned in order to stop chasing the moving target of achievement and create success on my own terms:

1. You define success.

If you don’t define what success is for yourself it will be a moving target. If you let success be defined as reaching the next thing put in front of you, you’ll never get there.  There is always something next to achieve. Unless you consciously stop and ask yourself what you define as success, you could end up chasing it your whole life.

2. Enjoy what you’re doing right now.

We can push ourselves through a lot of things we don’t really enjoy doing for the sake of achievement. We tell ourselves we will be happy and get to enjoy our life when we have achieved fill-in-the-blank. But when there's always something new to achieve, that day never comes. To stop chasing achievement is to see that the only opportunity for enjoyment is today and you’ll miss out on all the fun to be had if you keep putting off your joy for one day in the future. So, if you don’t enjoy your work or what you’re doing right now take a look at what you can do to change that. Your life is for you to enjoy.

3. You are already enough.

While at the time I didn’t have clarity on what it was I was striving to get through all the achievements, upon looking closer I discovered what I was really after was to feel good enough. It was the fear of not being enough that propelled me forward. But if achievement is how we try to gain validation from the world and what we have to achieve to be good enough is a moving target we will never get there. We will never feel enough. Not only is any sense of validation fleeting, but we have to spend our lives going after the next thing to prove our worth. To stop chasing achievement is to see that our worth is inherent and not actually related to our achievements at all.

4. Stand in what’s true for you.

Once you define success for yourself you’ll have to find the courage to stand firm in that. The world will go on using their many yardsticks to evaluate you based on their other definitions of success and likely make many subtle suggestions about what you “should” be working to achieve. So, you’ll have to gather the strength to stay in your clarity, remind yourself of what to you is important and find the courage to stand in what is true for you. To stop chasing achievement is to stop trying to meet the expectations and needs of everyone else and focus on the needs and wants of the most important person; you. Go forth and blaze your own trail.

5. Achieve what YOU want.

Achievement - setting a goal and reaching it - isn’t inherently bad. It’s going after things we’re not passionate about or as a means to validate our worth that isn’t conducive to our happiness. When we stop unconsciously chasing the next achievement we can find what we truly care about and what kind of work brings us joy. You can get clear on what kind of impact you want to make in the world with your talents and gifts and create goals you genuinely want to achieve based around that. You’ll be fueled with the energy of desire and excitement to bring your vision into the world.

Considering these things can radically change your life. It did for me. But remember that change like this doesn’t usually happen overnight. It takes time to shift habitual ways of thinking and make moves to have our life reflect what we really want. So, remember to be patient. Give yourself the time and support you need to navigate the journey through change.